Mistilteinn – the wisdom of the mistletoes

If there was one compelling lesson i would learn from the detailed analysis of ” The Kite Runner” by Khaled Hosseini,  I would say it came from a line by Amir.

” Because the past claws its way out”

It’s interesting to see that 2 years later I would realize that I am still continually tormented by my past. That past that i tried to fervently forget would slowly,slowly claw its path out again, out of the iron fortress that I have locked it.

Its a bit esoteric to see that humans somehow always subconsciously remember negative events and experiences as opposed to happy ones. To date, I have been continually haunted by the memories of bypassing the transistor in CID, stealing a piece of candy from a provision shop when i was really young, and other ridiculous treacherous henious crimes, including unwittingly declaring a cold war.

I’ve always blamed myself for that catastrophe. I’ve always blamed myself for not being able to see what humans are. I’ve blamed myself for not seeing how the brilliant catastrophe will end. Many a time i thought : Perhaps I would have fared a teeny weeny bit better if i nipped it at the bud; of course, I could do a zilch and today’s ending would still occur, not that I lament on the ending today. Such a catastrophe would be locked out of my mind, because such painful misgivings should not be accompanied in life. Yet, It always returns. It always has.

I had a dream yesterday night. I dreamt about a possibly wonderful angelic scenario. I dreamt i saw her again. For the first time in my life, i actually talked to her, not in the past me, not the present me, but with an integrated processor this time.

For once, It was a decent conversation. An ordinary one which I would have hoped to make. All too late. Pity it was so realistic though.

Yet I must not look to the past anymore. Even though the past is a representation of the future, there is still much things for me to do. Much things for them to do.There is much reason to continually try to forget this, because there is simply no hope in remembering. As such, I continually try to do so because of its futility.

There is much old issues that I would like to answer; much rocks I would like to turn over, when I am empowered. Yet, this will no be what I would be after, simply because I could never be overpowered enough to undo the hands of time and its effects, and successfully manipulate the human thought.

PS: A lot of the people should be confused by this passage. It means a lot, yet very little. All I hope of whoever reads this is that they can feel the feeling in the words, and not my speech itself, for nobody should know what I am talking.